


Jagged Little Pill

by Berytni



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Drug Abuse, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I mean it doesn't have to be, Platonic Rollisi, Suicidal Thoughts, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 09:08:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24847309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Berytni/pseuds/Berytni
Summary: It’s natural for partners on the force to get close, but it often takes years of having each other's backs to form a strong bond. For Rollins and Carisi, that bond was forced within months of meeting each other, before they were exclusively partners, and it was something they never talked about again.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins
Comments: 2
Kudos: 30





	Jagged Little Pill

**Author's Note:**

> Listen - I wanted to write something dark and here it is. TW: for mentions of suicide and drug abuse. There's vomiting. Set after 16x10 "Forgiving Rollins".

After the trial of her rapist and former chief in Atlanta, Rollins was granted a couple of days leave to deal with the trauma of airing the reason she left Georgia in open court. Even so, up to that point, she had a rough couple of years at SVU. It was like clockwork. Things would be going okay and then she’d hit rock bottom, each time digging herself a new, deeper crater. She almost lost her job last year because of her addiction. It turned her into a dirty cop. She had lost herself and she could feel the darkness begin to take her back again.

Rollins tried to do the right thing this time. She took her superior and good friend’s advice to seek help, but left before Dr. Lindstrom could see her. It didn’t feel right, she wasn’t ready to talk. There was too much to let go, and for now, she had to deal with her present grief.

Captain Benson was worried about her detective. The day Scott Russo’s indictment was dismissed and before they all went home for the night, she asked her new rookie detective to stop by Rollin’s apartment. Rookie to SVU at least. Carisi knew he was the last person on their team Rollins would want to see. Actually, he really couldn’t tell if she liked him at all, but alas he agreed to be a team player.

Carisi drove to her apartment and parked outside. The night air was chilly, it had turned a new year a week ago. Her apartment building was quiet and him knocking on her door boomed through the stairwell.

“Hey, it’s Carisi. Liv sent me.”

He heard the patter of her dog, Frannie, behind the door, but nothing else. He knocked again, harder, which woke her. Rollins was face down, half-way off her living room couch. Her head was spinning. As she looked forward, she brushed her hair out of her face in which pieces had been stuck around her mouth.

“Rollins, you there?”

“Hang on,” she shouted. The loudness of her voice stung in her head.

Rollins pushed herself up. On the coffee table, she saw two pill bottles and two glasses of water, but there was only one of each. Carisi stood outside her apartment until he heard the locks slowly click. She had been holding herself up against the door, but swung it open, stumbling back and grabbing the frame for support.

“Whoa, whoa, are you alright?”

Her face was pale and what he could see of her eyes, her irises were mostly black with slivers of blue around the edges.

“Dynamite,” she slurred.

Rollins started to fall forward and he lunged to catch her. He felt her go limp in his arms and he managed to maneuver both of them inside, shutting the door with his foot. She was halfway there, so he gently let her body go to the floor as he dropped to his knees. Was she drunk? He’d seen her drunk. This wasn’t it. Her dark blonde pitbull tried to investigate and Carisi shooed the dog away to concentrate.

He hesitated to touch her, but he rubbed her upper arm, “Amanda? Hey, what’s going on?”

She shriveled like a bug on the sidewalk and groaned. This was bad. Really bad. Carisi stood up and looked around. An orange bottle caught his eye past the back of the three-seater couch. He left her side and went over to the living space to take a closer look. The bottle was open, and there was only a single layer of oblong pills at the bottom. He picked it up but didn’t recognize the prescription name.

He asked Siri on his watch.

Shit.

Carisi jogged back over to the entrance of her apartment and got back on the floor with her. He held his head down to listen for her breathing. “Rollins. Hey, Rollins, come on we gotta wake up,” he said, jostling her harder than before. They were sleeping pills. “Can you hear me? Rollins, how much did you take?” Her eyes fluttered open.

“How...Carisi?”

“Amanda, how many?”

“Go away,” she groaned.

“Not happening. Talk to me.”

She lost consciousness again. Shit. He knew basic first-aid but had nothing prepared him for this. He knew he had to get her awake again. Was she overdosing? Should he call 911? He was 911. Did she do this on purpose? His mind was racing so he took the first action he thought of. Carisi stood up and went to her feet. He bent her knees, pulled her limp body to a crooked stand, and hoisted her over the back of his shoulders in a swift motion.

He realized he should have found her bathroom before picking her up, but it was too late for that. Rollins wasn’t very heavy, but she was all dead weight. He hit one of her feet on a doorknob as he maneuvered down the hall, but that was the least of either of their problems. The bathroom was on the left and he flicked on every light switch with his free hand not on the back of her thighs. He pulled back the shower curtain and placed her on the ledge of the bath and shower combo before transitioning her in the tab, carefully but urgently. Her cheek rested against the interior side of the porcelain next to the facet.

Working above her, he turned on the water and activated the shower, making sure the temperature was mild. He stepped back for a second as she squirmed. Her clothes got wet and unevenly stuck to her skin as the water poured down. He reached up and held his head in his hands like it would make him think better.

The shower shocked her awake. She sat up slightly and braced her arms against the side of the tub, hitting her shoulder on the faucet. Water splattered on her face and she looked up and around. It was hard to breathe. Carisi still stood to the side of the tub, watching her, with a lump in his throat and arms across his chest. Her head was still spinning and she was only semi-aware of what was happening.

She felt a sudden pain in her gut. It traveled up through her throat and expelled to the front of her shirt. Carisi had a weak stomach himself and he had to turn around as it happened again. He looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath as the contents of her stomach dripped and disappeared down the drain. They were both quiet. Her head started to clear.

“I gotta...I gotta call 911,” he said, looking back at her past his shoulder.

She wiped her mouth. “Don’t.”

“Rollins...what the hell happened?”

“You can go. I’m fine now.”

“Let me call an ambulance.”

“No,” she said, shaking her head. “I’m already on thin ice.”

“Then I’m staying. Liv sent me to check on you. I can’t leave you like this.”

“Whatever.”

Carisi glanced to the side and sat on the lowered lid of the toilet. He tried not to look at his fellow detective as she pulled her knees to her chest and sobbed. It was a new low. Now she had a witness. Rollins didn’t mean to take so many pills, but she also didn’t care about the consequences. She just wanted to sleep and forgot everything that haunted her. Would it have been so tragic if she slipped away on accident? With a shaky hand, Rollins reached up and turned the shower off. Carisi was on his phone, doing multiple Google searches to figure out how deep in the hole she was. He shifted his attention to her, staying hunched over with his elbows on his knees.

“Let’s get ya cleaned up, huh?”

“Fine.”

Carisi stood up and tucked his phone away. He never got a chance to take off his gun or badge. Her legs were wobbly and the porcelain was slick with water and throw-up but It was still easier to get her out of the tub than it was getting her in. She relied on him for support, which left sickly patches on his button-down shirt. Neither of them knew what to do from there, but Carisi grabbed a nearby towel and held it out to her.

“Thanks.”

“Yeah, sure, I’ll uh, give you some privacy,” he said before turning towards the door, leaving her alone standing in the bathtub.

He stepped out to the side of the door and leaned against the wall. What would have happened if no one came to check on her? He wasn’t a hero or anything, but he may have just saved her life. His cousin’s pal died of an overdose last year and suffocated on his own vomit. Carisi was still torn on calling an ambulance. It was a double-edged sword. His biggest concern was that she’d pass out again and stop breathing. He still had no idea how much she took and when. Sure, she threw up, but he was smart enough to know they may not be out of the woods. It was all up to him now.

“You alright in there?”

Rollins emerged from the bathroom. She had changed into a bathrobe. Carisi straightened his back and waited for her to make the next move. She had come to peace with him being there, but she walked past him without further acknowledgment. He followed her down the hallway back towards the living room. Rollins circled the couch and reached for the lonely pill bottle as he stepped past the kitchen.

“Hey now.”

“I’m putting them away,” she said, slightly annoyed as she tightened the corresponding cap.

“Rollins did you...were you trying to, uh…”

“Drop it.”

“I mean no disrespect, but if I’m gonna be on the hook for not calling in a bus, I deserve to-.”

“I don’t know, okay? I don’t know. Fucking hell, Carisi, just drop it,” she cried. “I’m going to lie down. Stay or go, I don’t care.”

Rollins didn’t owe him an explanation. She was sad, she took enough pills to make her sick, it wasn’t that deep. As she stormed past him, Rollins wished her boss had sent Amaro or Tutuola. She barely knew Carisi, even if he was covered in her vomit.

He shouldn’t have pushed her. Although his heart was kind, his sometimes quarrelsome disposition was the reason his squad had watchful eyes.

Rollins called her dog. He heard her bedroom door slam and it shook the apartment. Regardless, he was staying. He’d check on her in a bit. Carisi sat on the couch and flipped through a book on the coffee table. When he got up to use the restroom, her door was still closed. The bathroom was a mess. With nothing else to do, he decided to tidy it up for her. He found basic cleaning materials under the sink and soaked up the water with paper towels from the kitchen.

Rollins cried though the urge to sleep. Her body hurt as much as her mind. When she heard a lot of rustling around her apartment, she was ready to demand Carisi to leave. It was all too much for her. She stormed out of her bedroom and saw him crouched down next to her bathtub, barefoot with his slacks rolled up his ankles.

“What are you doing?”

“You shouldn’t have to look at this again.”

She was taken back. He kept working.

“I uh, have some leftover Thai food in the fridge if you’re hungry. I’m obviously not gonna eat it.”

“Sure.”

“Carisi?” she said, waiting for him to look at her. “Thanks.”

The corners of his mouth rose slightly and he somberly nodded. Once the bathroom was sufficiency clean, he took her up on the food offer. He did most of the work, understandably she was a terrible host, but she stayed in the kitchen with him as he ate. She was silent and defensive looking. Her presence felt a little out of distrust, but it wasn’t. She owed him in a way.

“I’ve, uh, the last couple years have been hard.”

“Hey, listen, you don’t have to right now...I’m sorry.”

“I just wanted to forget for a bit.”

He nodded and they stood together in silence once more.

“I have to tell Liv, you know.”

“You can’t tell anyone.”

“Rollins, that was real scary.”

“Yeah, I know, but I’m fine. Do you think if I was really trying to kill myself, we’d be here talking about it?”

He shrugged.

“Carisi, please.”

“What happened here can stay here, but won’t lie for you.”

“Fine. Deal.”

“And you gotta get help. Whatever you’re dealing with.”

“I...okay.”

“Alright then.”

He avoided looking at her and focused on making the perfect bite of fried rice. Rollins previously had a lot of doubt about the man before her. A little less so after the mustache went away, but she still wasn’t a person to trust easily.

“You know, you’re alright, Carisi.” She meant it, but also wanted to manipulate his loyalty. 

“I like working with you, Rollins. Don’t disappear on me.”

It was already past midnight. He kept her awake for a few more hours on the couch until convinced she had expelled everything that would hurt her. Maybe the situation wasn’t as bad as perceived, but he still felt responcible. He stuck it out until the sun came up, doing laps around the apartment to stay awake. She didn’t stop breathing once all night.

Carisi was expected back at work, but he had to go home first to further permeate that everything was fine when he checked in on Rollins. He had taken off his stained button down at one point during the night, leaving him in a plain white T-shirt, and he draped it over his arm as he gathered the rest of his belongings. She woke up at the sound of shoes on the hardwood floor. Her mind was fuzzy. At first, she thought she had just fallen asleep after taking a cluster of pills.

“Hey, I gotta get going.”

Then she remembered.

“Last night...”

“How you feelin’?”

“Okay, I think.”

There was an awkward silence.

“I’ll see ya Monday?”

“S-Sonny, thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.”

Neither of them would ever again. After that night, Carisi was no longer the funny talking moron Rollins had to babysit. She could trust him with her life, and from then on, even before working together exclusively, he never stopped making sure she was breathing.


End file.
